Why Anna's Way Doesn't Work
When I first held Nadia I just felt proud and happy and I had someone to think about in life other than myself. I visited regularly at Anna's parents' house and the atmosphere between me and Anna was pretty awful - and usually rubbed off on Nadia.
With Nadia at 3 months, after Anna again refused to let me take her for a walk around the block in her pram, Anna mentioned the psychologist and told me she would never let me see Nadia without her because she believed it was harmful for a child to be alone with its father. It was a new 'reason' and totally out of the blue.
To visit your child while being supervised by the other parent, and being told you can't have any say in your child's upbringing, might seem better than nothing but it's not being a parent and it's a controlling situation. These are some examples of what that was like:
- Nadia's mum went to the passport office to try to get Nadia's passport without me, telling them Nadia's father was "inaccessible". (despite having my home address, my Polish and UK phone numbers and my email address - and after I'd told her to just let me know if she needed anything for Nadia). Luckily the passport office refused and she had to ask me.
- I was given 4 days notice for Nadia's christening even though I'd been asking for weeks and her mother knew I wanted to be involved. Its not a major thign but just shows the little bits of needless control - a father shouldn't just be gettting invited at the last minute to events in his child's life, he should be involved in them. I still don't even know for sure if Nadia has been baptised or not.
- Just before one of my trips to see Nadia, her mother told me a friend was visiting and she would only let me see Nadia if her friend agreed - becasue she doesnt let me see Naida without her. I went anyway but Anna didn't show up so it meant Nadia and I didn't get to see each other that day.
- Some friends wanted to have a bbq to meet Nadia before she left Poland. I asked her mother and after 2 weeks of questions she said no as it was too far away. We changed the location to just 5 minutes from Anna's house but she said no again, this time because 'bbqs are bad for babies'. We changed it from a BBQ to just a small indoor party. Anna said no again - her reason this time 'babies can't be with anyone unless mother is there'. So we invited the mother too. I was then told to 'just forget it' and she saidf the location didnt matter because Nadia just isnt going. She was never going to allow it and when I asked why she'd strung me along for so long she just said "Woman is Fickle :)"
- Sometime last summer she took Nadia and left Poland without telling me (the last time I saw my daughter was the day we got her passport) and the mother's last text to me was, 'Dont worry we won't do anything without telling you'. I only found out for sure she was in the UK 6 months later.
- Since we've been in the UK I've sent parcels with clothes/toys etc. from me and my family which haven't been ackowledged (update: she has started to acknowledge parcels). And for 10 months she didn't send me a single photo of Nadia and then at christmas posted photos of Nadia - not to me but to my parents.
These are just a few examples to show what it was like. It was in everything - a simple question or text would become a game, wondering what excuse or problem would be next.
The barbeque summed up the manipulation and control - we all wanted Anna to come but instead of a simple yes or no, she strung us along for 3 weeks knowing all along she was never going to allow it anyway - and in the end she just tells me women are fickle and laughed! Its a form of abuse and I can't see any reason for it - when I asked why, she told me "I was just curious in case I push would my rules".
It's a situation where a mother has total control over a father throgho their child - and the bottom line is it isn't good for anyone, least of all the child