Legal Agreement
It's fairly common for single parents to draw up a legal agreement which is signed off by a solicitor. It helps to avoid court and it provides agreed guidelines for parenting.
Nadia's mum suggested an agreement in April 2008 but she wanted it to cover only maintenance payments. I suggested it cover all parenting matters and put my ideas in writing for her. This was an email I sent to her April 2008.
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Here are my suggestions and thoughts about the agreement you suggested to settle financial, visiting and other matters
Maintenance (Money)
I have to say its difficult to understand how after I offered money to you several times and you said you didnt need it, you suddenly felt the need to go to a solicitor and draw up a legal agreement for a share of my income! You say there have been misunderstandings - well I offered money plain and simple, several times, and all you had to do was say yes - you chose not to. You made it clear you didnt need my money and said you'd accept it only because you thought it would make me feel better, and so Nadia would know in the future. This is when I decided to set up an account for Nadia to put money into, which I told you about. For you to change from that to wanting 25% of my salary through a legal agreement is completely beyond my understanding. It also implies that I havent been fair about money or offered any. I dont mind doing it legally but I want it written into the agreement that I've offered money several times.
As for the figure - 15% is the base figure used in the UK - and legally, is based on several factors including my earnings, your earnings in some cases, how much time I spend with Nadia, and if I have any other children. Based on these factors I would pay around £xxx a week. In fact I intend to give more than that - there's what's legal and there's what's right and I don't need someone to tell me what I should pay for my daughter when I want to provide for her anyway - the right amount is what she needs and what I want to give and if you disagree with it then we can try to solve that.
So legally there's no problem whatsoever from me. It's just a bit sad you feel you have to make this a legal issue when the money's been on the table all along.
The Agreement
From what we spoke about on Thursday I've made the following suggestions for The Agreement: -
- Me seeing Nadia:
In Wales, I would like to be able to see her every 2nd weekend for around 6 hours at a time - without you supervising (to begin with it could be broken up into 2 or 3 sessions over the day with a break if you would like). I think it better to make definite times so there is no confusion and I suggest something like 1pm every other Saturday/Sunday to begin with. This is with a view to increasing the time gradually to me having Nadia for overnight stays every other weekend, a couple of weeks in summer, alternate birthdays, and public holidays.
- Meeting my family and friends:
There shouldn't be any restrictions on this. The agreement should state explicitly that you cant prevent my friends and family from meeting Nadia. And likewise I can't prevent yours.
- Keeping me informed:
I should be informed and updated on things small and big: health (even routine things), religious stuff (eg. baptism when it happens), any accidents, travel, general parenting (eg. seeing psychologists for advice on raising Nadia) and her progress and development - including sending photos (if you don't mind that). Again I will inform you when she is with me.
- Decisions:
We should discuss and try to agree on everything basically eg. health, schooling, travel, religion etc without animosity. This also includes general parenting decisions (eg. You preventing Nadia from meeting people). These decisions should involve only us, the parents, and no one else.
- Inclusion:
I want to be included in celebrations, events around Nadia and given the chance (with some notice) to attend and take part.
- Maintenance:
I agree to pay a minimum of 15% of my salary monthly. I also want it written that I have willingly offered money several times which hasn't been accepted.
- Travel:
We should inform each other of any travel plans for Nadia and both agree to giving formal consent before her travelling abroad - either with us or others (family, school etc.).
Obviously this is legal talk. I want to see Nadia as much as possible and anytime you want me to see more or you need help, want me to look after her or anything at all, I will be more than happy (although now that you are taking your mother to Wales to live with you I doubt you will need me too often).
I suggest the Agreement be reviewed around Nadia's 1st birthday or if there is any major change in circumstances before then.
There are still a few weeks to go before you leave Poland and I have one or two friends here in Poland who would love to meet Nadia and if they dont get to see her before you go to Wales, they may not get another chance for a long time. So I ask you to consider this before you leave - it would mean a lot to me.
And XXXX the same applies as before - if you decide no, then please just say no - no arguing. You have the final decision so there's no need. And I would like to see Nadia photos - so if you ever have time and can send some, I would love that.
Inaccessible
In your email you said you asked at the passport office about me being inaccessible. Once again, I find this extremely difficult to understand, and I can't help wondering if you're just being deiberately provocative by doing things like this. You have my address, my phone number and my email. The last time we met before you went to the passport office I told you to let me know whenever you want money, sign any documents, or do anything at all for Nadia - I literally said 'anything at all'. I also told you there would be money in a bank account for Nadia and you were free to use it. It is absolutely incomprehensible why you would then go to the passport office and tell them I was inaccessible.
For future reference - I have never and will never leave Nadia.
In case there's any doubt in future - my address:
xxxxxxxxxxx
Wroclaw
Poland
My phone numbers you have, but again:
Poland: xxxxxxxxxxxx
UK: xxxxxxxxxxxx
Obviously you have my email address but here are 3 just in case there is ever a problem:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.co.uk
xxxxxxxxxxxxx@inbox.com
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com
My address in UK - I will send you once I find a place. In a way it's sad that we have to do this in a formal way but I think its a good idea and should hopefully save disagreements in future. Please respond to this email to confirm you got it ok.
Matt
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She dismissed it out of hand giving the following 'reasons'.
- She thought I saw her and Nadia one day and ignored her (putting aside it was a day that I'd travelled to her town in Poland to see Nadia and she hadn't turned up, it was obviously her who'd seen and ignored me);
- She was angry I asked her a question from my mum ('what are you scared of in letting Matt see Nadia');
- She didn't like that I wanted to be part of Nadia's Christening because I don't believe in God;
Even if right, these reasons dont have anything to do with Nadia. They were more just things the mother was annoyed at.
This type of thing summed up the first few months - me getting my hopes up thinking I could finally get to be a father to Nadia, followed by a kick in the guts and pushed out again. Constant pushing and pulling.