Single Dad

This page is to try to answer some of the questions from the mother's friends on the comments page. I'd like to keep that for comments only and not dialogs which can potentially lead to arguments. I'm happy to post all comments however if you want to discuss it then feel free to email me (or even get my phone number from Nadia's mum) and I will gladly talk to you.

I dont think it's a particularly great idea but there's more chance of change by doing something than doing nothing and if theres even the smallest chance then that's a good enough reason for it. As Nadia's father I can't sit back while this goes on. Nadia's mum wont listen to me, maybe something or someone else might have more influence if they knew what was really going on. Yes it's a long shot but I'm desperate.

My options:

* Talking with the mother - I spent 5 months in Poland begging, pleading and fighting and it didnt change a thing, in fact things got steadily worse

* Going along with the mother and only seeing Nadia under her supervision - I tried that too, it was impossible with her playing silly games and eventually leaving the country without telling me.

* Asking her to take other people's opinions - I've tried that too. I thought she might see that it's not just me who thinks children should have 2 fully involved parents (one of the reasons for the site was I hoped to get comments which also showed that). I also asked if I could visit the psychologist whom the mother was consulting about raising Nadia but she refused saying that it was "nothing to do with me".

I know this site might make Nadia's mum even more determined to block this relationship (it has, she refuses to communicate with me) but she can't take any more away from me and Nadia already has no relationship with her father - so there's nothing to lose. But why should her feelings about me or this website affect whether or not Nadia can know her dad? I can understand her being upset but I cannot understand her putting that before Nadia's needs - maybe I'm being naive here but that seems pretty straightforward to me (I've had to do it myself). We're all hurting. It's not about me or Nadia's mum or our feelings - it's about Nadia and whether or not she is better with two parents or one. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS - and the sooner her mum realises that the better.

I agree that every story has 2 sides and I think I've acknowledged that on the site. Perhaps instead of accusing me of lying or twisting he truth, people could also realise that too. 

Only two people know the truth first hand and that's Nadia's mum and me. To date, this site has had comments from strangers, from my friends, and now from the mother's friends and that's good because it makes the site more balanced. While my friends are probably a bit biased toward me I dont think anyone has come on accusing the mother of lying. So please think before making accusations - every word on this site is true, however hard it might be to accept.

I've made mistakes - I've said and done things I shouldnt have and got angry and frustrated. But Nadia's mum has also made mistakes. I'm not surprised that some of this may be hard to believe - it's also hard for me to connect the mild, sweet person I knew before all this with the protective, possessive mother prepared to do anything to get her own way with her child.

And while some parts of this are open to interpretation there are also some indisputable facts: 1 Children are happier with 2 active and involved parents. 2 I'm here wanting to be Nadia's father and have been since she was born and yet I cant be. There's only one reason for that and that's because her mum wont allow it.

These are facts. Otherwise why am I not in Nadia's life? Wouldn't it be a bit strange to do all this if I didn't desperately want to be?

I've no doubt she is a great mum but this is wrong - and my biggest fear is that it will cause hurt for Nadia in the future. As Nadia's father I have to do what I can to stop that. I have no goal to hurt or embarrass anyone - I've actually kept a lot off this site for that reason and Ionly those who know us will know who it's about.

If anyone thinks this to hurt Nadias mum then you can have no idea of my feelings about this or my character. I'm not capable of using Nadia to hurt her own mother. My focus isn't even on her mother - I dont like what she's doing but I dont want to hurt her, she's Nadia's mum. Whatever happens, even In the worst scenario - which is where we are now - I won't desert Nadia.

For the record; I made it clear I accepted my role as the father from the very beginning - the pregnancy - and I have backed that up since. And the mother and I were never a couple - we were friends who made a mistake. I have also heard there are people in Leszno who think we were a family/couple (and actually who think we still are) and I can only guess how they've come to think that.

Why hasn't a father seen his daughter since May 2008 when he clearly wants to see her and be a father to her? What is stopping that from happening? And why - what valid reason is there for that? Why was my suggestions for co-parenting completely dismissed - something the mother herself initially suggested to cover money but didnt like it when I wanted it to cover other things such as visiting? Why does she refuse to let me see my child without her?What are the reasons? If you are objective then ask yourself these questions.

I am here, as I have been from the beginning, ready to be a father to Nadia and its a n absolute disgrace what is happening.

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Reply to Wiley Jackson's post

I dont mind posting a reply but I dont want the site to become a debating forum (reply leads to reply and where does it end?). I've managed to post every message so far without the need for warnings or challenges to post.

You say this is an opportunity for me to prove I'm the "injured party". I am not and I've never claimed to be. For you to think in those terms shows a comprehensive lack of understanding of this situation. Nadia is the 'injured party' as she grows up with no father. She has a father here but for no good reason she isn't allowed to know him - its a bloody criminal state of affairs.

I didn't break up with Nadia's mum as we were never a couple (we'd even discussed this a few months earlier and agreed we'd never be more than friends - she knows this). Nor did I break contact the entire pregnancy (we were in contact, albeit sparingly, throughout her pregnancy). So does that make Adam a liar? Or Nadia's mum? Probably not. A lot sits between truth and lie - inference, interpretation, perspective. If Nadia's mum or Adam think I broke off contact the entire pregnancy then I'm sure they have their reasons, but it's not the case.

What happened was more complex than your summary. I told the mother I would accept my responsibility, pay money, visit and be fully involved but she said that wasnt enough. She said we should "develop our relationship" and if I didn't move to Wales she may not let me see the baby. I thought that was appalling and I'd challenge anyone capable of seeing things from both sides - as you've challenged me to do - not to feel the same. I felt I couldnt trust her -her motives and expectations and communication was difficult with every exchange causing more upset and arguing. The choice was to continue like that with a pregnant woman or wait until the baby was born. I thought long and hard, asked close friends for advice, and felt it best to wait until the baby was born - and I told her that so she knew I wasnt 'deserting' her. I felt that was the right thing and again I'd challenge anyone capable of seeing things objectively not to at least understand that.

You might disagree and thats fine, I had the decision to make and it seems pretty cheap to me to come along 2 years later, never having met me, knowing the story only second hand and tell me I was wrong - so wrong in fact that it was right of my child's mother to cut me out of  my child's life! The mother herself - in September of her pregnancy (see, we did have contact) - said contact would only cause undue stress, so she agreed with it given the reality of our situation.

I can tell the truth only from my perspective. However the hard fact is that if you are as objective as you ask me to prove I am then you have to accept my side at least equal to Adam's. It's tough seeing things from 2 sides, isn't it.

So the point you base so much on - me "breaking off contact with (the mother) her entire pregnancy": You said showed "failure of character" on my part, gave as reason I should "come back with my tail between my legs", based assumptions about me on and said made it understandable for her to cut me out  - turns out to be based on bugger all, and incidentally, she never said that was her reason - the 'reason' she gave me was that a psychologist in Leszno told her it was harmful for children to spend time alone with their father until they were 2 to 3 years old.

Anyway even if it were true, it still wouldn't justify blocking a father from his child and if every parent was punished like that for their mistakes, we'd be a world of orphans. Even if I'd done much worse, it wouldnt give her the right to punish me because it's punishing Nadia too by depriving her of a relationship with her father.

Sally is someone very close to me. Married and 3 months pregnant her husband left her for another woman - whom he also had pregnant! Now if you (and Nadia's mum) think she was right to block mine and Nadia's relationship, what right do you think Sally had. But just like Nadia's mum, she had no right - no matter her pain or anger toward the father, she knew she had no right to block father from child because that would deprive her child of one of the most important relationships in his life. She focussed on her son's needs and didnt just tolerate her son's relationship with his dad, she encouraged it.

Parents punishing each other through the children - no matter the 'crime' - is wrong because it also punishes the children. And we, especially parents, do not have the right to do that. It's the saddest and wrongest part of all of this.

Grovelling for the reasons you give implies a one sided litany of fault and neglect - and yet you question my ability to see things from 'both' sides! (completely forgetting that there is a third, and more important side - Nadia's). I made mistakes and Ive ackoweldged that. And I grovelled but my reasons, to beat the drum, was to beg the mother to understand that children need both parents.

Accusations are one thing but you've taken a leap saying "I have absolutely no doubt  whatsoever that if left alone with Nadia you would do everything you could to pour poison in her ear and paint her the worst possible portrait of her mother". I think that's quite a disturbing thing to say. Youre making a PREDICTION, with "no doubt whatsoever", about someone in a situation in which you know none of the people and you've heard only 2nd hand. It belies an arrogant lack of understanding of this situation and of me. My only goal is what's best for Nadia and I cannot see how her father telling her bad things about her mother would be good for her. Can you? Or have you also assumed I want to be bad to Nadia?

It also shows where your main concern is when the one fear you express about me being alone with Nadia isn't that I might be a bad influence or a bad father, no. It's just that I might say bad things about the mother. You all seem to see Nadia's mum as the central figure here - well she's NOT... Nadia is. I'll always respect Nadia's mum - I dont wish her harm and I certainly dont want our child thinking badly of her. One reason Ive been trying to avoid court is so Nadia wont know her parents fought over her (and Ive told the mother that). And then you toddle along and tell me you have no doubt I would pour poison in my daughter's ear against her own mother! It's a moronic, crass thing to say. Try to understand this - if I never saw Nadia and then she came to me in 20 years and asked why I hadnt been in her life, I'd rather she wrongly believed that I hadnt been interested rather than learn that her dad wanted so much to be invovled in her life but her mum stopped him - I think that would be a devastating thing for her to learn.

Your next belter is I should 'suck the pain and disappointment up and move on, confident that when the child got older she would seek me out on her own'. Again, where to begin. If this was an adult, a friend or ex girlfriend, then Id agree - walk away and let them contact me if they want. The difference is this is a baby - a little person (whom you've hardly mentioned in your post by the way) growing up without a dad. You think being a man is moving on - ignoring that while I'm 'moving on', a baby is growing up with no father? Who makes the decision for Nadia to 'move on'? Just because she doesnt know she needs a father doesnt mean it isn't so. It would have been the easiest thing in the world for me to 'move on' when the mother took OUR child and fled Poland in summer 08 without telling me. I made a decision to be a father and I sucked up my pain because I want to provide that for Nadia. Ironically that's precisely what I've been asking Nadia's mum to do - suck up her pain and put Nadia's needs for 2 parents before her own needs to punish and control me.

And as much as I miss Nadia and want to be part of her life, her need for a dad is greater than my need for a child. And its her need that is my driving force. She needs a father. She needs me. That's not a grandiose statement – it's just a fact. And I find it staggering that you have so many opinions on this and on me and yet fail to grasp that.

I do agree with you about the website, it's a bad idea. My reasons for it were mixed.  What's happening here is shameful - a guy wants to be a dad to his child and the mother just says no! I felt outrage and when I started it in summer 2008 I didnt even know where mother and child were. So I cant say there was no anger however if you genuinely want to understand my reasons then you have to walk in my shoes for a minute: Nadia's mum told me last year that she wouldnt let me spend any time alone with Nadia. Id never be allowed to take my own daughter for a walk in her pram! Never get to baby sit my own baby! (these are facts, however unpalatable - imagine it if you can). She then left Poland with Nadia without telling me - things had reached rock bottom. I'd sent countless emails, links to websites, a proposal for co-parenting and she dismissed everything without a single valid reason. So my options had narrowed to court or walking away (I've explained my reasons for wanting to avoid court). I was completely shut out of my daughter's life - it couldnt get worse and I had nothing to lose. I felt, and still feel, she was being naive and immature and my last hope was that if her family and friends could see what was really happening, maybe even see how much I care for Nadia, then they might be able to influence her. Some hope is better than none.

So the website was my last resort. And the main reason for it was desperation.

Although it looks to me like Nadia's mum has been dishonest, Ive never accused her of deliberately lying because I think it's more complex. There are also cultural and language differences and I try to keep aware of that. But one thing crosses all that and it's a child's need for both parents - and there isn't a court in the land that would disagree with that.
      
As for using pseuodnyms - I consciously didnt use surnames (except my own) and I cant see what better purpose a pseudonym would have served. If I was vindictive as you say, I'd not only have used her surname, Id have used her emails and wouldnt have omitted key things I feel were relevant but too personal.

If you want to discuss this further you are free to email/call me - I am happy to discuss this anytime with the mother and her friends and family. However before you do, I suggest you read Children In Wales and Facts on Fatherless Kids

Finally youve told me what I didnt do (or what you think I didn't do) - so now I'll tell you what I did do: When Nadia's mum told me she was pregnant I told her I accepted my responsibility, would pay money, visit and be a fully involved father. When Nadia was born I went to the hospital, put my name to Nadia's birth certificate, offered and gave money and visited weekly in Leszno. When the mother asked for anything - to discuss money, get Nadia's passport etc. I always went the next day. I made it clear I wanted to be involved in Nadia's life and offered suggestions for visiting and co-parenting. I asked to be involved in little things like taking her walks, changing her nappy, her christening, and generally looking after her. I also asked her to consider moving to to Edinburgh. Im not asking for praise, these were basic things, but I do not know what more any guy could have done.

All that matters is Nadia and looking forward. However if you insist on looking back and aportioning blame then at least try to look at it objectively and ask the real reasons for me being shut me out of my daughter's life because the psychologist crap and the punishment theory  don't wash. My guess is the mother was in denial about our 'relationship ' and ignored everything to the contrary. She had a fixed idea of how this this would turn out and when she realised it wasnt going to be, she decided to control and supervise my relationship with Nadia and to punish me for what she felt was me deserting her. And in the end she decidiedto block the relationship completely. Its' a simple situation made difficult for no reason - it's so bloody unecessary.

PS Apologies for long reply - I can see why Nadia's mum says I'm long winded and repetitive!

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